I just can’t win for losing.
I have been gone for sometime but it’s because I’ve lost the words to diagnose everything that has happened to me in such a short period of time.
I’ll hopefully continue posting here. But if not, I will post a link to a new blog. I like WordPress, I just think I would enjoy a better service. Something a bit less connected to the people I forged relationships with.
Hope you all are well.
Hey, everyone. I apologize for being inactive for so long. School has started. And I’m kind of a little shell shocked from my tough schedule. Still trying to wrap my brain around everything that I have to organize and prepare for.
Looking for an update? M is developing feelings I believe, which is weird, because we haven’t had sex in about 3 weeks. I don’t know. I’m probably just fooling myself.
J is a total tool. I just feel like I was being used until he could get back with his ex. He was completely annoying too, I haven’t missed his company.
W is hot and cold. I need to decide where I stand with him, one thing is for certain, I can’t stand this on and off shit. Either you want me or don’t. Stop playing games. We’re adults.
A new player, not really, but in my dreams he is. S. He’s incredibly handsome and tall. I don’t know much about him. But I plan on changing that. Did I mention he’s tall? And most likely straight. But there’s definitely something pulling about him. Worse outcome is I end up with a new friend which is not so bad at all.
I’m still doing great at work. A test is on my mind. I need to take it but it’s like I’m afraid of the results. I think I’ll ask my friend B to come with me. It’s just terrifying to face alone.
I’ll post more later, sorry again for the long break.
I know, I’m a week late. I just felt like I needed to breathe for a week before I started piling on the responsibility of surviving another year. So, I struggled with these this year. I failed my last ones brutally due to my attachment to R for the majority of the year. But it helps not to look on the past’s failures but to look at the future’s prospective successes. So, here I am and here it is. A gently crafted list of things I’d like to accomplish in regards to my life over this year of 2012.
Hey, 2012. How are you?
I had a bit of a self discovery today.
I’ve discovered what happens to me when someone pushes too far and too fast to enter into my head, to understand, to try to get me to care about them – I turn off. Completely. It’s what happened with my ex, R. He came home one day (we were living together), I had moved his things to the living room and simply stated he was moving out, the most sickening thing, I said it with a smile. Now, R was a piece of scum, before you assume too much, he had taken advantage of my money of my everything, I believe he was cheating on me, and he was completely and utterly worthless. But I remember the exact moment in which I turned off. We were arguing and he accused me of cheating on him with my gym partner. I looked at him, nodded, and walked out. There was no amount of crying, no number of words, and no chances of ever bringing me back from that dark place where I sat and looked at him with nothing but pure contempt.
I’ve usually been able to hate today, care tomorrow, turn it on and off so to speak. But lately, I’ve been worried. I’m worried if R was the last chance. I like J, sure, but I still crave M and W and all the other men who want me out there. J is so innocent, so naive, it’s almost second nature to play him. I don’t want to be that way. I hate being that way, but I can’t make myself feel concern for him, I can’t make myself want to want him. It’s just so complexing. J has everything I like, social standing, ambitions, intelligence, LOOKS, everything. But I can’t make myself feel for him. What if the last time I turned it off made it to where I can never flip that switch again? What happens now?
I’ve always accepted the fact that the way my mind works with human connection that I would probably be alone but not at the expense of others. This is my burden to bare, I never counted on people actually feeling something for me. Cold, calculating, borderline manipulative me. I’m lost on what to do.
I have been listening to Florence + The Machine’s new album religiously. It’s like a soundtrack to my life. I love every minute of it. Florence’s vocals are as usual – mindblowing. Definitely worth a listen AND a buy. Buy the deluxe edition too. Love the acoustic extras.
Any who. J and I had our lunch date. And I was fairly shocked about how much he had to say. Yes, he was very chatty, but I think a lot of that was nervousness. I’ve had only one other boy be nervous around me, it’s really the most flattering thing a guy can do around me. Well, he was nervous and went on about pretty much everything. One problem. He’s still got a leg in the closet. It simply won’t do. I know it’s a tough passing for some people but at the same time – you have to stop being so hidden and guarded all the time. He’s out to his family but not to his community. His ex was also not out AT ALL and so around his friends J would have to act like another friend of his. I couldn’t even imagine the pain that causes. Even where J works now, he has to hide simply because his ex works there. It’s not fair. Not at all. And I will say that the only reason J hasn’t come out to his closely knit community back home is because he’s trying to protect his family from harm. He has to understand eventually that he’s harming himself more and more everyday. He’s also living with a young lady who is from his church, so he can’t even have boys over for fear of her finding out. What the hell? It’s like he’s living under a glass ceiling.
And yet, it’s the most exciting thing. I could help him learn to love and accept himself on levels he never thought possible. He doesn’t have to think being “gay” is so different and ostracizing anymore. He can hold my hand in public and be okay. I really am excited about branching him out and exploring new things with him. Even if we just end up friends, I’m still really going to enjoy guiding him. But I do like him. He’s genuine and sweet. And I can’t wait to learn more about his personality.
W and I are still doing the dance. I still don’t know if he’s actually interested in sleeping with me or if it’s just kind of a “want me?” type rush for him? I don’t know. Time will tell.
M and I are still doing the awkward talking. I got him a job which is what I suspect keeps him responding to my texts. But I’m not being overly ambitious. He seems to be avoiding and I think that’s the part of that brooding personality of his that I absolutely cannot stand. Oh, well. No harm, no foul.
And boy, do I have a lot to talk about. Well, first and foremost, M and I talked about our feelings or rather the lack thereof. We enjoyed the physical aspects of each other (me more than him) but in the end we knew we weren’t compatible. I was far too ambitious for him. When he told me that, I expected to be upset, but I wasn’t. I was relieved. It was exactly what I needed to hear. We still talk every now and then, I don’t know how much physical encounters will happen but hey, it was nice while it lasted.
Now, onto W. That boy has got me right where he wants me and it’s both frustrating and extremely arousing at the same time. He plays his game well. And although the pictures I receive are a BIT tacky, they are well appreciated. I like W’s boldness – A LOT. But I know in my heart, he’s not what I’m looking for. Definitely be looking to him for some future encounters. Fingers crossed for Thursday.
I saved the best for last. J. Our meeting was perfect. We met in a coffee shop on campus. He had apparently noticed me at work the summer prior but had been too afraid to say anything. After several awkward (but cute) glances at each other, I rushed off to my final absolutely kicking myself the entire way. Well, I went back on a whim hoping he might still be there. He was and I sat myself purposefully across from him. After what seemed like an eternity he finally asked me a question and we got to talking. It flowed pretty well. I had to leave so I asked for his phone number. And we’ve been talking ever since. Unfortunately, he’s on holiday about an hour away so actual face to face getting to know each other is being saved until he gets back. But like – I can honestly say, he’s the only boy I’ve felt this strongly about that actually has a lot of things going for him. Tomorrow we have a lunch date and depending on our chemistry – I might be too giddy to handle.
I do have to tell you about a friendship that died today. I’ve known this boy for nearly three years and always knew he was afflicted with a crush and a heavy attraction to me. But we always play flirted and innuendos were our thing. Well, he seemed particularly motivated the other day and started playing with me via text message. I played along for a bit but made sure to add “lol” after every phrase to be sure to put the heir of joking on everything I said or responded to. Apparently, I wasn’t transparent enough. He texted me this morning and asked what time should he be here tomorrow. I was like, what? He said, tomorrow, we are hooking up, remember? When I told him, no, I was joking, he became agitated and was like oh, okay, sleep with all these other guys – still can’t sleep with me? Number one, where do you get off on trying to challenge my promiscuity and basically calling me a slut just because I won’t sleep with one of (who I thought was) my dear friends. Well, friendships I guess aren’t worth what they used to be anymore. What a dickhead.
Holidays. Christmas Eve I worked until around 6:30. My oldest sister came over made me some dinner and just hung out with me, not going to lie, it was nice. Christmas day we slept in, made some more food, and hung out some more. Again, nice. But part of me still wishes I had spent it alone like Thanksgiving. I enjoyed the peace and quiet.
Okay. First off, the gift went over well. I guess, he didn’t fawn over it but did thank me for the foresight in not wrapping it. I knew he’d feel weird if I had so I just left it unwrapped. Good call on my part.
So, we again, just kind of cuddled ended up making out then sex again. Perfect sex again. But we still didn’t talk on – or I didn’t bring up – the subject that’s itching me. Where are we going? Okay, so, forgive me for being old fashioned, but I only have sex with people I actually see a relationship with, even if I’m not ready for one, just the idea of being able to be with that person for some sort of longstanding time gets me in bed with them. When I met him, I felt a strong connection with him, we just sort of clicked, maybe it was his attractiveness? I don’t know for sure. I just know I ended up in bed with him. Which is fine, we are being safe, etc. It just kind of leaves me at a point of crossing.
Me and another guy have been talking about meeting up and having drinks. Is it cheating if I have sex with this guy too? Like, would M get mad over it? If so, whose fault is it? Mine? Or his for not even indicating where we stand? W is really sweet too. Basically, M, I want to know, what are we?
At this point, I just want definition. If that definition means “just sex friends” FINE, I just want to know. My feelings might get hurt but so, I’ll at least KNOW where we stand. It’s agonizing just having no idea.
I’m debating on whether I should wrap it or not. I just got an idea and I went and found it. He’s a writer, so I just got him a leather journal type thing.
The reason why I’m so nervous about it is I don’t want him to get weird and be like “why are you giving me Christmas gifts?” and it’s just like – no, it’s not that at all. I just thought of you so, yeah.
That doesn’t mean I like him too much, right? This could be bad. Fuck.
I think the most important thing is we are talking. And it feels like we never stopped. You’ll always have your views of my sexuality and I fear there may never be a point where I can introduce you to my boyfriends. But that’s okay.
For now, I’ll take the conversations in your office about pretty much everything, and I’ll take the light jokes we tell each other, and yes, I’ll even take the awkward conversations that we have when you know I’m talking about a guy but I’ll call him my “friend.”
I’ll take all of that because I am your son and regardless you’ve always been my one great supporter. You’ve never told me I couldn’t do something. And you try harder than anyone I’ve ever met.
Love,
Your son.
I don’t know what to do with this boy. I like him but something is pushing me back. I don’t know if it’s him or what it is. All I know is, I get upset when I don’t hear from him. I’m just constantly terrified he is going to reject me. He SAYS he enjoys my company, enjoys our sex, and likes me. But what does that mean? Then we talked about relationships and he was saying how he just usually casually dates and wants to change that, and I’m like oh, I look for commitment too fast, so I end up just getting hurt. Which is SO true. But if I commit to someone again, I want it to last a good bit longer than my last mistake, you know?
I guess what I need now is definition. If we are going to keep having sex, great, let’s leave it at that. If you want to move to the next step and actually develop a connection, let’s say that and do it. Either way, I need to know. The last thing I want to do is hurt him or myself by just assuming this is less or more than what it is.
